Mistress,
Wow, what an intense week! So much to download with You, so much i want to hear about Your week. But this is not that arena. This particular blog is designed to capture my thoughts on specific to that day's meditation. But i will write You on the other thoughts whirling through my head in another blog i'll set up later today - a forum for us just to babble about whatever comes to mind.
Ok, focusing back on this morning's meditation. There's a little lack of focus here on my part as i am anticipating Your call hopefully in about an hour, but damn it, i have a task at hand! This morning...
i had an opportunity to meditate before everyone was up and running. i went to the bedroom in the basement, closed the door, stripped completely naked, and dropped to my knees facing East. i recited Your mantra, only having to look at it once, and then recited it a couple of more times. And unlike church where you just blow through stanzas, this little four-line poem takes as long as the Star-Spangled Banner. Why? Because i say and reflect on each and every line, breathing slowly and thinking about each word and the the meaning of each phrase the individual words make up. As far as what i was looking for in a mantra to help me focus completely on serving You, i would say i'm pleased - that is, it does in fact put me in my rightful place and centers You in my world.
So once i was focused and centered, my mind went wandering. Not off the reservation, and certainly within Your sphere, but i just let thoughts come to me. What first popped into my mind was, "wow! look at me! Is this really happening?" i don't mean like some vanilla for the first time getting a mark from a flogger, not like, "oh shit, what have i got myself into?" Nope, way different than that - and it's almost embarrassing to admit...
Do You know what i felt like? i felt that queazy feeling when You first start dating someone and You realize that "Damn, i think i might be really falling for this one." It's good and all, but here's the adolescent, naive, embarrassing part. That blissful feeling that You may be really on to something is followed up with that inevitable question, "But what if She doesn't feel the same way?" It's a terrifying fear of looking completely stupid, of having nothing left to fall back on because You showed it all. It a sucky feeling (really, spellcheck didn't flag sucky?). Yeah, sucky - it undermines all the good stuff You were just thinking about, Your heart quickens, Your breath is shallow, and there's that falling feeling classic to an anxiety attack.
So as this is happening, as i'm kneeling naked in my basement giving myself to a woman i've never even met, with my family sleeping floors above me, i closed my eyes and focused on Yours. i grabbed for that mental image of the photo You sent me yesterday and took a deep breath and looked at Your eyes and smile and thought, "Think of Her. Think of it from Her perspective." i took another deep breath and started pondering that.
i thought about how You must feel with this relationship. How do You really know how i feel, that i really am doing what i say i'm doing? You have to have faith in me too. So then i thought, well She's not the one who's naked, chase, hanging on every word from Her Domme. What does She have to loose? And then i realized, if everything You've said is true (and You have been remarkably consistent), You do have just as much on the line as i do. It sounds like a stretch, yes, You can at least have some sexual gratification during this, but in the end, if either one of us is insincere, we both get our hearts hurt, plus or minus a few orgasms on Your part - big deal - nothing could make up for that misplaced trust and faith.
So i started to relax, heard Your voice, Your laugh, and said, "you know, it's going to be all right - She's awesome, and i'll serve Her well."
And then those damn ducks!
Thank You for putting up with my babbling, Mistress. Please do not mistake this for me doubting You in any way. i knowYou know that - but i still had to say it. No, You know what i'm really talking about. For someone who didn't really have a clear understanding of TPE two weeks ago, i'm all in, over my head at that. And You standing above me. And none of that scares me in the least. i just don't want this to be a dream...that's what terrifies me. i'm happy.
Thank You so much, Mistress
I enjoyed our conversation today. It's always a pleasure to talk to you. Truth be told I don't like to talk on the phone much but it's easy to talk to you and always fun, so it is all good.
ReplyDeleteIn response to this blog and your thoughts....
I tend to be very blunt, so much so it intimidates most people. The only situation I've ever found it to be helpful... being a Mistress, lol. So let Me be very very blunt with you this moment.
Falling in love, being in love, saying I love you....isn't easy for Me. Read My own blog today later and you'll understand...but when I do say I love you..... you will be able to take it to the bank and deposit it without worry that it isn't true or that it will bounce later.
I can tell you, My paul doll that I care greatly for you.... how can I not? I get the butterflies just like you do. Being a Domme doesn't exempt Me from the emotional feelings of giddiness and joy.. of butterflies and giggles. I have them over you. over Us.