"Naked" Therapy

i must admit, this daily meditation is so theraputic on so many different levels.  Not only does it help me focus on You and my role to You, Mistress, there's that "centering" that just puts everything in perspective.  It follows me throughout my day, and makes me think of You when i catch my breath.  So again, thank You, Mistress.

Today during my 10 minutes, i felt distictly naked.  it just felt like every inch of me was visible, inside an out.  i hope there's a glow it it for You on Sunday - that You see just how vulnerable and exposed i've allowed myself to become - that You have allowed e and empowered me to share with You.  Again, thank You, Mistress....

Finding peace, 10 inutes at a time

So during my meditation today, the thought about how lucky it was to have the opportunity to be in that room naked and on knees popped into my head.  i guess maybe it's becoming habit, but more importantly, i feel it's becoming a healthy routine.

my life is in transition now, and that's not a bad thing - so many people say that like they have an STD.  But no, change is good, especially for someone like myself.  But some changes can be more stressful others - this one being one of them.  So this new routine You've instilled into my life couldn't have come at a better time - thank You, Mistress.

Another observation that occurred to me was an overwhelming sense of peace and lack of worry - on any and every subject.  Like whatever is meant to be will be.  An then i saw this post on FB from my cousin:

 
So as even as stressed as i got the rest of the day (including now considering the hour+ it took to gigure out how to post that damn image!), i harkened back to that 10 minutes, took a deep breath, and felt better.

Anyway, this has been great, it will be great, and i've no worries in regards to Sunday.  i'm now more looking forward to it as a means to putting Your mind and heart at ease, Mistress.

Thank You so much for entering my life and sharing Yours.

Always a lesson to be learned...

Mistress,
i can't tell You how great it feels to be able to take time out of my day to spend focusing on You.  Given my current lifestyle, yes, it is difficult to make it fit in a schedule (considering i don't have one!), but it's more difficult when i don't (learned from previous weeks experience).  It's a lesson to be learned i guess - that we need to make time for ourselves if we truly love and respect ourselves - You can't love someone else if You don't love Yourself.  So this whole experience has been good - it's healthy to take time out for myself, so that i'm a better person for others.

Thank You, Mistress, for pushing me and keeping me on track.  i know i tend to want to tip on the rails, but i appreciate You sticking with me and keeping me in line.

Optimistically On to Sunday!

Mistress,
(Just so You know, i still feel so privileged to have the honor of calling You Mistress), i find myself a little conflicted as i write this, simply because i'm so happy to feel so completely back on track, and You still seem to be aprehensive, or at least, not as thrilled.  i feel terrible about this - my happiness is irrelevent if it's less than Your own.  So, like i said, a wee bit bummed, yet still optimistic.

On that optimistic note - Sunday.  i hope that my sincerity and commitment will be transparent, and You will again feel that connection You spoke of.  I realize the risks - that if it's not there, than there will be nothing left to go on, but if it is, there's no going back from that either - so on to Sunday!  But again, i truly feel that all will be as it was meant o be.

Thank You, Mistress, for everything...

You're doll comitted to being taken to Your point B

Making due adjustments - happily

Mistress,

Well, as i mentioned before i even took the kids to the movies, i have been thinking about this blog.  i apologize that it actually got typed this late, but believe me, i will get a better schedule developed if for anything out of self-preservation.  But until then, i will maintain true to my word.

that said, i think that it's more important to note that i was thinking of You all day, and not the fact that i actually published this.  This i say only to let You know that i heard You when You said that You are not necessarily task-orientated, but the thought and commitment behind it.  i'm with You - this day just got away from me and i AM making adjustments to my schedule.  

i guess that that in essence was what i intended to blog about - that i spent most of the day concentrating on how to make the adjustments to my schedule to correspond with my new lifestyle.  Yes, it is a challenge that has intimidated me, but now honestly excites me.  The fact that You have inspired me to even contemplate this is amazing enough, but my dessire to truly be Yours, to be taken to Your point B is what gives me the strength to actually accomplish it.

Thank You, Mistress, for Your faith in me.  Please do not let the time stamp on this blog have any bearig on its sincerity - the schedule will get better.

An introspective look - snap shot

Mistress,
This blog comes on the heels of a very serious conversation we had earlier today where You asked me to truly look inside myself and consider if TPE was right for me and at this time in my life.  i would like to expound with a thorough, lengthy post that captures all that's running through my head right now, complete with historical review and synopsis, moving forward action plans, blah, blah blah.  Truth is, i'm still working on it, but i would like to at least write down what i have now, in the vein that You said it didn't have to be anything grandiose, just something to show that i was thinking about You and making an effort.

Ok, so here is where i'm at.  i recognize that our "connection" has been weakened this past few weeks.  i want it back.  i want to make the effort to get it back.  i know i must take the initiative and modify my schedule and behavior in order for this to happen.  So, in summary - i miss the connection with You, i want it back, i want to be underneath Your wings again.

As far as the TPE thing goes and my interest, aptitude, and realistic ability for it.  i do want it.  i do crave it.  i am a little nervous about it.  But the truth is, the TPE has nothing to do with it...it's the concept of becoming that vulnerable to someone, that dependent.  Scary.  But let me put it this way in reverse: i do have the ability (i'll just make it happen, i can do anything! (yes, cocky business guy talking)); i do have the aptitude, i think You've seen some evidence of that; and finally, my interest? Absofuckinglutely!  Given we do have that connection once we meet in real time.  i think You said it yourself, we simply have to get that first meeting and see if we click in person.  But yes, we both clear that hurdle, and i swear, i will subject myself to Your behavior modification with the express purpose to be Your complete slave.

In summary...
- yes, Mistress
- please, Mistress

Back on Track...

Hello Mistress,
Well, it is certainly nice to be somewhat back on track with my training.  i only say somewhat because it is the weekend and i don't quite have the personal time i would during the week with my flexible schedule, but not a bad start.  Especially considering the memorial and all.

i am so looking forward to next Sunday.  i know that by then i'll be back into a better routine and will be back on my path to completely giving myself over to You.  As we spoke about last night, i realize that i am a double challenge for You, and i appreciate You seeing my sincerity and Your patience.  i will not let You down, Mistress, and You will have all of me and my will...

Unseen Forces

Meditation Reflection
May 10th, 2014

Mistress,
Today You had me "lay down prostrate on the bed" instead of kneel for for my 10 minute slave's mediation - and i must say, it had a completely different effect on my headspace.  No granted, it could have been just due to the novelty of it, however, todays sentiments were impactful nonetheless.

As we have not had the opportunity to discuss proper positions, i was forced to do the best with the illustration You sent me and the limited space with which i had.  i didn't quite know what to do with my arms, but because of space and a shoulder injury, my arms were back at a forty-five degree angle palms up, resembling something like this:

                         (0)
                           |
                       /   |  \
                     /     |    \
                           |
                         ++
                      /    |    \
                    /            \
                  /                \
               

lol  Ok, and i an't draw either, but You get the point!

Anyway,  the position itself had a different "feel" to it - a bondage-esque submissive nuance, especially with the palms up.   Not only did my ass and balls feel completely vulnerable, but with my arms outstretched like that, and my palms up, it was isometrically a weak position - the muscles simply don't move that way and raising my arms obviously is impossible - no restraints necessary.

There in lies the beauty of this - rather metaphorical.  No physical force to get me in that position, no restraints to keep me there, yet compelled and bound completely all the same.  That same "force" is within me all day - i just need to harken to it and realize its influence in every one of my movements and thoughts.

Again, after 10 minutes flew by in a blink, i realized that this is the level of Domination i need to capitulate to - You are the Domme i need to serve.  i am the slave that is Your blank canvas....

Better late then tomorrow

Mistress,

It's late, i'm tired, but still restless.  These past two days have been hectic for us both, with more than a fair share of drama and significant emotional highs and lows.  But what keeps me awake now is the frustration of not being able to fully take in the wondrous gift of Your love and trust that You've bestowed upon me,  and even more frustrating, not having had the opportunity to express those sentiments to You.

i'm not much of an evening writer - my creative and expressive skills are much more attune in the morning.  However, tomorrow proves to be another hectic day for us both, and i would hate to let another minute go by without at least this late-night attempt to express some of these feelings gratitude, honor, responsibility, joy, excitement, love...so many feeling coursing throughout my entire being.  All because of You.  You've leaned over and outstretched Your hand for me to take, to be lead by to follow and serve You.*  i'm still breathless at the thought...Thank You...yes...i'm Yours now.

i can't wait to wake up to text You good morning, to eventually in a couple of days catch up with You and hear about Your days - what You did, what made You smile, what made You think.  And to learn more about You in general.  Your blogs, as insightful to You as they are, only begs me to learn more about You.  They fuel that fire, not extinguish it.

So without babbling endlessly, hopefully i've accomplished a little to show You where my head, heart, and soul is at, has been, and will be for quite some time.  And hopefully even made You smile a bit.  ;)

Oh, and real quick.  Just an idea, but i thought i'd use an asterisk when i write to indicate where i particularly felt a surge of sexual energy.  As i've mentioned before, yes, You do have me on a heightened sense of sexual arousal, but it seems when we talk about the more cerebral elements of our dynamic is when it manifests itself with an overwhelming wave.  It's curious, and thought You may appreciate the relevance - if anything for Your psychological evaluation and thesis!

Good night, my Mistress.  i love You...

Your slave doll paul

"Breath control"

my Mistress,
Yet another remarkable 24 hours of having the pleasure and honor of being part of Your world.  We've covered so many topics in the past 24 hours, and as always, my mind is reeling and wanting to chat at length with You about a whole host of subjects, but again, i'll focus these post on specifically what i meditated about.  Conveniently, the subject matter is about a recent topic within the last 24 hours.

First, i recited Your Mantra without looking at it.  i changed the order of two words to improve the flow, but suffice to say that it (You) are becoming engrained in my mind, consciously and subconsciously.  After a couple of minutes of internalizing the words, i began to focus on the gnawing still inside from the disappointment inmyself for lettig You down last night.  Not that how i feel matters, but i just need to note that for the record, any physical joy from myorgasm is completely negated by You expressed disappointment.  Only someone like Yourself could understand, but You know what i'm talking about.  But again, it's not about how i feel about the situation, it's about You.

To that, i reflected on how and why things went amiss.  OBEY.  i just need to learn to OBEY You.  i know what the paul inside was trying to do - i was trying to help, trying to make it better for You.  As a slave, i should shut-the-fuck-up and OBEY.  i shared a little about this with Stacey and told her what had happened.  She just scowled at me, shook her head, and said "i like Her so much already!  i can't wait to meet Her."  She so knows the vanilla Dom in me, she enjoying watching this (Your) transformation of me!  Great, no You have a cheerleader too!

But seriously, i took this to heart and said "ok, what am i going to do to make me better?"  i closed my eyes, and breathed a deep breath in, and said OBEY.  i did it again.  OBEY.  Then i said to myself "Just beeath HER in...let Her fill You...OBEY" all in one breath, then slowly sighed.  i repeated this again, just practicinng not thinking.  Not thinking abouot what's better, what i can do, just OBEY You.  Time must have flown by - ducks!

So in keeping in that trust in You, we just need to keep talking.  i need to keep sharing with You every aspect of my life so You can use me to Your fullest advantage.  It'll just take time, buti have all the time in the world, Mistress - i've no plans of going anywhere...

Your slave doll paul

Too Deep! So Much For Saturday AM Cartoons!

Mistress,
Wow, what an intense week!  So much to download with You, so much i want to hear about Your week.  But this is not that arena.  This particular blog is designed to capture my thoughts on specific to that day's meditation.  But i will write You on the other thoughts whirling through my head in another blog i'll set up later today - a forum for us just to babble about whatever comes to mind.

Ok, focusing back on this morning's meditation.  There's a little lack of focus here on my part as i am anticipating Your call hopefully in about an hour, but damn it, i have a task at hand!  This morning...

i had an opportunity to meditate before everyone was up and running.  i went to the bedroom in the basement, closed the door, stripped completely naked, and dropped to my knees facing East.  i recited Your mantra, only having to look at it once, and then recited it a couple of more times.  And unlike church where you just blow through stanzas, this little four-line poem takes as long as the Star-Spangled Banner.  Why?  Because i say and reflect on each and every line, breathing slowly and thinking about each word and the the meaning of each phrase the individual words make up.  As far as what i was looking for in a mantra to help me focus completely on serving You, i would say i'm pleased - that is, it does in fact put me in my rightful place and centers You in my world.

So once i was focused and centered, my mind went wandering.  Not off the reservation, and certainly within Your sphere, but i just let thoughts come to me.  What first popped into my mind was, "wow! look at me!  Is this really happening?"  i don't mean like some vanilla for the first time getting a mark from a flogger, not like, "oh shit, what have i got myself into?"  Nope, way different than that - and it's almost embarrassing to admit...

Do You know what i felt like?  i felt that queazy feeling when You first start dating someone and You realize that "Damn, i think i might be really falling for this one."  It's good and all, but here's the adolescent, naive, embarrassing part.  That blissful feeling that You may be really on to something is followed up with that inevitable question, "But what if She doesn't feel the same way?"  It's a terrifying fear of looking completely stupid, of having nothing left to fall back on because You showed it all.  It a sucky feeling (really, spellcheck didn't flag sucky?).  Yeah, sucky - it undermines all the good stuff You were just thinking about, Your heart quickens, Your breath is shallow, and there's that falling feeling classic to an anxiety attack.

So as this is happening, as i'm kneeling naked in my basement giving myself to a woman i've never even met, with my family sleeping floors above me, i closed my eyes and focused on Yours.  i grabbed for that mental image of the photo You sent me yesterday and took a deep breath and looked at Your eyes and smile and thought, "Think of Her.  Think of it from Her perspective."  i took another deep breath and started pondering that.

i thought about how You must feel with this relationship.  How do You really know how i feel, that i really am doing what i say i'm doing?  You have to have faith in me too.  So then i thought, well She's not the one who's naked, chase, hanging on every word from Her Domme.  What does She have to loose?  And then i realized, if everything You've said is true (and You have been remarkably consistent), You do have just as much on the line as i do.  It sounds like a stretch, yes, You can at least have some sexual gratification during this, but in the end, if either one of us is insincere, we both get our hearts hurt, plus or minus a few orgasms on Your part - big deal - nothing could make up for that misplaced trust and faith.

So i started to relax, heard Your voice, Your laugh, and said, "you know, it's going to be all right - She's awesome, and i'll serve Her well."

And then those damn ducks!

Thank You for putting up with my babbling, Mistress.  Please do not mistake this for me doubting You in any way.  i knowYou know that - but i still had to say it.  No, You know what i'm really talking about.  For someone who didn't really have a clear understanding of TPE two weeks ago, i'm all in, over my head at that.  And You standing above me.  And none of that scares me in the least.  i just don't want this to be a dream...that's what terrifies me.  i'm happy.

Thank You so much, Mistress

Between meetings...

Mistress,
i began today's meditation with the mantra i wrote yesterday.  It sounded so natural to me - like i've been reciting it since childhood.  Strange.  Of all the people we see everyday, how often do we get to know or feel as connected to them as what i've experienced with You just these past few days?  How many years in vanilla to get to this point of honesty, vulnerability, and trust?  i'm so lucky Mistress.   This is truly a gift that is one in a million.  Thank You.

i must apologize for sleeping in this morning - it absolutely crushed me to hear that i had disappointed You.  We will work something out so that won't happen again.

my writing wit is shot today, Mistress.  Between work and our communication, my brain is toast right now - gotta save something for my 1000 word assignment.

i can't wait to hear You voice, Mistress - talk to You soon,

Your slave doll paul
 

"Like a Little Prayer"

Mistress,
Today i focussed on Your comments as to the intent of the meditations.  Per Your comments:

"Meditation is designed to 
       1. help you find your center... ME 
       2. deepen the revelation for dependency on Me.
       3. solidify the bond between you and I. 
       4. Stretch you to grow you as a submissive slave."

So as not to go off into the weeds focusing on something else every time, i wanted to come up with a begging mantra of sorts to incorporate all those points before i focus on anything else You may have put in my mind to think about.  So being the good Italian Catholic boy that i am, meditated on a verse that i could easily remember that hit all those benchmarks.  i came close, but 10 minutes goes so quickly in Your world.  But here's what i have at this moment:

     I am a slave to Miss Manda,
     Becoming more and more dependent on growing that bond with my Mistress,
     And dependent on Her training me as Her fully submissive slave,
     Dependent on Her will, not my own.

It's a draft, but close to something i could recite to myself and any given part of the day.

Thank You, Mistress...

"Like a Virgin/Trip Like I Do" - a D/s 80's Soundtrack?

Mistress,
Wow - my first blog!  i don't mean just with You, i mean my first blog period!  Kinda like a virgin, Madonna thing!  (Sorry, i'm an 80's whore).  But i could think of no other thing more significant to blog about.  i have been walking on air since the moment i signed our contract - such an inner peace and joy.  And this is given the fact that life around here is absolutely falling apart!  Well, not that bad, but with the theft and some other issues, it's been stressful.  But You know, it's all going to be ok.

This morning was a classic example of how things can all work out if you're centered and focused.  As You know, i had every intention (and did) wake up early to begin my day by meditating on my Domme and how to be the best slave i can be to Her.  Well, that didn't happen.  The kids got up early and i rolled into putting out one fire to another.

It wasn't to about 1:30 PM when i had the opportunity and piece of mind to get home and strip completely naked and drop to my knees for You.  It was like flopping down on the couch!  So natural, so comfortable, so where i had been longing to be since the moment i woke."*

It was another great meditation.  i soaked it all in with just feeling "clean".  i felt my nakedness, my complete vulnerability from not so much the lack of clothing on the outside, but from inside.  i sat up straight, shoulders back, bearing my chest and heart to the window on the East wall.  Like thrusting yourself into a warm shower in the morning - ripples and tingles followed by a warm soothing.

My thoughts wandered reflecting now just what i was doing.  i wasn't thinking about how i could serve You, no kinky scenarios, i just thought of closing my eyes and giving You all control, period, and smiled because i knew that's what You want - i didn't really have to worry about anything else other than to make sure i was always able to put myself in this headspace for You and more.  And then the oddest thing happened - i felt my cock getting hard...

i pondered this.  Sure it felt great, but physical intimacy were the furthest images from my mind at the time.  i was meditating on You and how to best give myself over to You, not fantasizing about a scene.  And this harkened back to what we had been talking about - the nature and similarities between our feishes.  This was why we are both here - this is what we share - the true exchange of power, control, will to someone who craves taking it as much as i desire to give it.  It set off all those endorphins and physical reaction involuntarily.  And although a sub is not supposed to show desire for his Domme, just a desire to serve, i knew that You would understand what was happening.  And maybe even smile a wicked grin.

i then just tried to focus simply on how to i could be that open canvas for You in the future.  Not so much what i could do for You, because You will tell me, and i will obey.  i realized that i was at the threshold of a new aspect of my sexuality, something that has been been missing since my first attraction to BDSM - the true essence of D/s and complete trust in submission.

And then the duck quacked.   (lol, the alarm tone on my phone)

Thank You, Mistress, for all of this.  i so hope this pleases You as much if it not more me.  After all, that's what it's all about.  "Trip like i do" to quote an old Crystal Meth tune.  ;)


Your slave doll, paul


* i felt myself getting hard as i typed this line, as it correlates to the paragraph below it.